Party With a Pageant Queen/Transcript
[Episode begins on exterior shot of the Bender Household.] * Machete:(v.o.) All right, Cailaca... * [Cut to interior – kitchen.] * Machete:Feast your eyes on this! * [Machete reveals a plateful of demonic cupcakes.] * Cailaca:(singing, v.o.) Machete's Demonic Cupcakes! * [Cailaca claps excitedly and picks up a cupcake.] * Cailaca:gasps Magdalena Linda! * [There's a knock at the door. Machete answers. No one's there. Camera pans left as Machete looks around. Camera pans back right, and Machete sees Azucar.] * Azucar:Yo, what up, home fries? * Machete:screams * [Machete falls over, spilling his cupcakes.] * Cailaca:gasps Oh, my gosh! * [As Cailaca comes outside, she steps on Machete.] * Machete:groans * Cailaca:Azucar Cooper! * Azucar:Oh hello Cailaca. * [Cailaca hugs Azucar and giggles.] * Azucar:Girl, we're going out tonight! Are you ready to make some Mala choices? * Cailaca:Let me just wake up Machete. * [Machete lies on the ground, motionless and covered in cupcakes and frosting.] * Azucar:Oh, that is not a dead person? * Machete:Not... dead... groans * [Cailaca picks Machete up.] * Cailaca:Azucar, meet my best friend Machete Bender. * Azucar:Your best friend? * Cailaca:Huh? Oh, no-no-no! He is the pageant king of Santa Ynez! You're my best friend on El Paso. Machete, this is the pageant queen I've been telling you about. * growls at Machete,but Cailaca slaps her. * Azucar:What, I wasn’t really going to hit you; (laughs) in front of Cailaca. What is the pageant king? Whatever it is, I tend to kill you. (Angry) That will teach you not to get in my way.Just kidding. That's a joke. Tick-tock, girl. Let's paaartaaay! * Cailaca:Yeah, Machete! Let's paaartaaay! * Machete:With her? Um, okay, well, I was gonna... But I... I was gonna... * [Cailaca gives a sad puppy-dog pout.] * Machete:I... Ugh. Alright. * [Machete picks a cupcake off his shirt and eats it.] * Cailaca:My two besties are gonna be besties! * Azucar:Sweet Let's go! * pulls out a girly scythe * Cailaca:gasps The Girly Scythe?! Aah! Jealous! * [Azucar cuts open a portal.] * Machete:Wait, we're going to another wor— * Cailaca:Come On! * pulls Machete through the portal. * Machete:yelps * [Azucar goes halfway through the portal, looks around suspiciously, and follows Cailaca and Machete. The portal closes. A second portal opens, and three men in masks emerge. The shortest of the three picks glitter off the ground and samples it.] * Guards of St. Guadalupe's:Glitter. She was here. * to Cailaca walking over to the party. Azucar runs up next to her. * Azucar:Friendly Hey Cailaca, I’m sorry about my behavior yesterday. I hope you can forgive me like I did. * Cailaca:Annoyed I will never forgive you for what you did yesterday. And you can drop the act too. * Azucar:Annoyed So you think you can beat me fairly huh. Are you planning to participating in a ballet club? * Cailaca:Shocked You don’t need to know about Machete. He's smart,funny and cuter than you. Besides, I can beat you fair and square. * Azucar:Oh please, the only way that you could beat me without cheating is by becoming as mean as me. (She pushes Cailaca into some bushes) You’ll never win because you’re too nice! * Machete:pulls Cailaca out of the bushes.Cailaca what are you doing Azucar's gonna kill you? * Cailaca:Ohhhh, noooo. She just gets a little wild when she dances. * [Cut to Azucar dancing with an calaca-like teenager. She starts riding him like a horse.] * Azucar:Oh, yes! Oh, you like that! You know you do! You love it! * Machete:Well, she also threatened to kill me for the pageant king! * Cailaca:Yeah... She can be possessive. Azucar! Let's go to the Aztec underworld. * Azucar:No! Way! Girl! I'm! Getting! My! Dance! On! * [The three masked men appear through a portal, and Azucar sees them.] * Azucar:gasps * [Azucar quickly joins Cailaca and Machete and opens a portal.] * Azucar:Yes, you are right, Cailaca. He will like the underworld better. Let's go! * [Azucar goes through the portal.] * Cailaca:sing-songy She's warming up to you. * [Cailaca pushes Machete through the portal and follows him, plugging her nose as if about to dive into water. Scene transitions;Cailaca's get really upset.] * Cailaca:Outraged Not only did I come in last place but I didn’t even win the bet. Argh, I swear I’m so mad I could just… (She starts to growl and shout angrily in spanish while she stomps around in a fit of rage) * Azucar:Impressed Wow, she is such a sore loser! * Machete:Worried Come on Cailaca, snap out of it. This isn’t like you. * suddenly stops and gasps at what Machete just said * Cailaca:Guilty Oh Machete, I’m so sorry I don't believe you. And I’m sorry we never got to work together. Guess Azucar’s words got to me. * Machete: What did she say? * Cailaca: She said that the only way I could beat her is if I was as mean as her. * Machete: Annoyed Azucar told you that huh. * Azucar: Yeah, so what! She can never beat me. I will crush her, even if I have to.(She leaves) * Cailaca:That's it I'm quit. * Machete: his hand on her shoulder Hey, from what me and Bebe saw from you, you’re already talented and skilled enough to become an musician. The only thing you need to work on is to just have fun doing it and be happy that you have friends by your side to cheer you on. * Cailaca: Touched Thanks Machete! You really are a good friend. And you’re a better leader than I could ever be. * and Machete laugh hysterically together until Juan interrupts them over the loudspeaker * Juan Cooper:Angry Hey, you two, report to the stage for my little cupcake's pageant, NOW! * and Machete glare at the loudspeaker. They walk over to the stage. * Machete: I’m guessing it’s a talent show. Do you think murdering human women is a talent? * Cailaca: I think we have already showed Juan every skilled move that we know how to do. * Machete: Well I do have one other talent, but it’s a little gross and I have never done it in public before. * to a flashback of Carlos and Machete talking on the night. * Carlos: Awe, isn’t Cailaca cute when she sleeps? * Machete: I guess so! * Carlos: Yeah, I can’t wait to meet her father. * Machete: She has a father who died? * Carlos: Sounds interesting, maybe Cailaca should give it a try. Her father would like that. * flashback ends * Cailaca: Excited That’s it, I’ll try Ballet as my talent. I’ve never done it before, but it’s the best I can do. * Machete: There you go, make your father proud! (They fist bump) * to the stage * Juan Cooper: (Annoyed) Nice of you two to finally show up. (Machete and Cailaca glare at him) Now that everyone is here, it’s time for the talent contest. * to Machete, Cailaca, and Azucar backstage.Azucar wheels in a rack full of clothes while Cailaca takes off her shoes and Machete takes off his sweater. * Azucar: OK, I know I have to change for my performance but why do you guys have to change? * Machete: I can’t do my talent while I’m wearing my sweater. It cannot be done with them on. * Cailaca: And Ballet is a event. You can only get the best perform from this kind of dance if you are completely wearing flats. * to Juan Cooper, Margarita, and a guard at the judges table. * (Estersa shows up in her pink dress on stage and introduces to show in song) * Estersa: “Come close and listen hard,Its talent time for one and all.Will they sing, or dance, or what?Make it good or you’re a cannonball!” * (Juan, Margarita, and a guard get up to clap for her) * Margarita: Estersa is an amazing singer! * Estersa: Awe; thank you! Now, (she pulls out a note card) she is a gifted and talented musician who follows in the footsteps of her deceased father. Here to perform Ballet is Cailaca Cortez. * (Cailaca walks out onto the stage and places a mat on the floor; as well as a barr,tutu and flats) * Cailaca: This ballet talent is dedicated to my late father Ramon Cortez. I hope he will love it as much as you will. (To Estersa) Hit it! * (Estersa pushes a button on a boom box. Ballet music plays throughout Cailaca’s performance.) * (Cailaca starts by picking up her ribbon and waves it around as she stands on her left foot while extending the right one behind her. She then jumps forward to the left of the screen and lands on her right foot. She spins around on her toes as she waves the ribbon in front of her and over her head. She jumps to the right while doing a split in the air; waving the ribbon all round her body. She does a quick forward cart wheel as she puts the ribbon on the floor and grabs the hoop. She does a little hula hooping before she starts doing a little jump roping with it.) * Margarita: (Amazed) Wow, she looks amazing! I want to learn how to do this. * Machete: She’s incredible! * Azucar:She’s terrible! * (Cailaca then twirls the hoop around with her left wrist. She then tosses it into the air and does another split in the air and lands on her feet just as she catches it with her right hand. She sets the hoop down and grabs the baton turned into a scythe. She twirls it above her head like a member of a marching band. She then throws it into the air as it twirls and she spins on her toes with her right foot while placing her left foot on the side of her right leg. She does a full 360 degree spin before catching the baton with her right hand. She then bows as a sign that she is done.) * (Juan,Margarita, and a guard stand up and clap for her) * Juan: And Cailaca earns 24.5 points out of 30. Next up is Machete. * Estersa: (Reads off her note card) He’s a women obsessed incubi with an interesting way to put a twist on playing music. Here to serenade you for your pleasure; Machete. * (Machete walks out onto the stage) * Machete: Hope you all enjoy my little talent outside of killing the human women. Tamey, start the music. * (Estersa starts the music. The music is from the second half of the overture to “The Barber of Seville”.) * (Machete places his right hand under his arm pit and plays in tune to the overture by doing an Air Pit Fart Serenade) * (A guard holds up a pair of opera binoculars) * (Machete continues to perform his serenade for about 30 seconds. As he does it, he gets down on one knee and moves his left arm while pumping his fist as if he is rocking out to the music. When he finishes, he does a split and does a screaming cheer. A tear escapes his eye as a sign that he is in pain.) * Azucar: Wow, they must have hated it. * Cailaca: (Snickers) You might want to take a look at the judges. * Azucar: What? * (A small tear leaves Juan's eye. He wipes it away and gives a smile.) * to Azucar's talent * Estersa: (Reading from a card) She is a genuine angel whose come to earth to shave… * Azucar: (Off screen) Save! * Estersa: … save us from our boring, unglissy lives with her… * Juan:(Interrupts) Just get on with it! * (Azucar walks on stage with a pageant cape wrapped around her and a pink and white rappers cape on her head) * Azucar: My special talent is singing. * and Machete growls at her. * Azucar: Thanks! (She glares at Cailaca and Machete; who glares back at her) I’m the only one to… (she removes the cape; revealing a pink and white version of her standard outfit. She has a white shirt and pink pants with a cow bell medallion around her neck.) combine country with rap. I call it “Craptry!” * Cailaca: (Snickers) She said it, not me. * Juan: Interesting; let’s hear it! * (Azucar clears her throat and begins to sing) * Azucar: “Sugar Silo! I'm wicked sweet, I tap it when I rap it with a tasty beat! I don't like milk from a Jersey cow! I'm the queen of Craptry, you all should bow! Sugar Hollaaa!” * (Juan, Margarita, and a guard cringe) * Azucar: “Sugar Silo go, dosey doe! Sugar Silo here 'til you win the dough! Sugar Hollaaaaa!" * (Her high note breaks the screen, blasts the fur off of two squirrels, and causes two snakes to swim away while carrying the kind of traveling stick with bag that people use when they run away.) * Azucar: "Like a talking horse, the truth I speak! I'll take out Miss Ballet and the incubi freak! Am I tripping? No way, I'm being for real! I'm gonna win this million dollar deal! Sugar Hollaaaaaaaaa!” * (Margarita runs away during Azucar’s third high note. A guard blows up. Juan looks furious.) * (Cailaca and Machete smile at each other) * Juan: I don’t know what to say. Oh wait, I do! * (Cuts to Azucar in the Aztec underworld with a bouquet of flowers and a tiara) * Azucar:Oh, Cailaca, it's the end of the line for me. But at least I got in one last night of fun with you, girl. * Cailaca: One last night? Before what? * Azucar: Before this! I'm going to St. G's! * Cailaca: gasps Not St. Guadalupe's Reform School for Wayward Ninas?! * [Thunder strikes. Cut to shot of Azucar being sent to St. Guadalupe's Reform School on a conveyor belt while screaming. Cut back to Cailaca and Azucar at the Aztec underworld. * Masked Man:alright Nina time to go. * [The masked men handcuff Azucar and drag her away.] * Azucar: (Upset) Wait, what are you doing? * Juan: That was horrible! That has to be the worst performance I have ever seen. In fact, Manny is a much better singer than you. Cailaca and Machete were right; you have no talent what so ever. * Azucar: A girl should be judged by her looks not her talent; which means (angry) I shouldn’t go to jail. * Cailaca:(o.s.) Bye, Azucar! I'm gonna miss you! * Machete:(o.s.) Hey, Azucar? * [Azucar stops to look back at Machete.] * Machete:Good luck in nina jail. * Azucar:Aw. Thanks, Mac— I mean, thank you, Machete. But don't worry about me! No jail can hold on to me for long! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! * [Azucar is dragged through the portal.] * Juan:sighs Kids... You have 'em, and then you... wish they weren't around. * [Juan goes through the portal, and it closes behind him.] * Cailaca:Yay! My besties are besties! * Machete:Yeah... I wouldn't go that far. Hey! We're stuck in another world! * Cailaca:Oh, no, we're not. Huh! * [Cailaca reveals Azucar's scythe.] * Machete:Whoa! * Cailaca:Now we can go anywhere we want. Anywhere in the entire universe. * Machete:I know just the place. * [Cut to Machete and Cailaca on Machete's couch watching TV and eating cupcakes. Category:Transcripts